These days it’s important to understand who you are and what your place is in the world. If you happen to live in the toilet bowl we euphemistically call “Afghanistan,” here are some handy hints to help you decide. H/T to Chris N. for the e-mail.

You may be a Taliban if…

1. You grow heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to…beer.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your ass with your bare hand, but consider bacon “unclean.”
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can’t think of anyone you haven’t declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.
10. You’ve always had a crush on your neighbor’s goat.